Saturday, 7 June 2014

Bon Iver- Holocene

"the title is a metaphor for when you're not doing well. But it's also a song about redemption and realizing that you're worth something; that you're special and not special at the same time."

Trying to sleep and listening to this song when i realized i needed to write some stuff down. I didn't even know what song it was or what it was about, but i had already half written this post before i even opened my computer. I'm trying to be poetic but it's more than likely a coincidence. I've been brewing this for a few days.

Last week i fucked someone. It had been over a year. I fucked someone in an open loft style bedroom, while my friend lay half awake (and eventually had to walk away) in the bed beside me. I fucked someone in the upstairs of a chalet with 4 guys hanging out below. i fucked him because he went for it. i'm so ashamed about the whole situation (not the fucking exactly but everything that went with it). I've never been the girl who got all the attention from boys. I've never been the girl who really got any attention from guys. I've got a string of painful flings, but i could never quite figure out if i liked them and we hooked up, or we hooked up and i liked them. Meeting my sister's boyfriend's friends opened up a whole new window for me. Right away there was one i liked. He had a girlfiend and they eventually broke up. Him and i started texting. Every week, every few days, almost everyday. Until it stopped. I could almost feel the exact moment where i knew i wouldn't get any more messages from him. Nothing happened between us and i tried to get over it. Hurt, but moving on. You'd think after enough fuck and chucks, and me being overly invested in someone who didn't give a shit about me, it would get easier. Being dropped like that. But it doesn't really, and it just works to bring you down a little bit more. i'd felt the chemistry (sexual tension) building between me and another friend. A few months later and i've got him in my bed. We didn't fuck, but we would have if he hadn't drank so much. i didn't even like him, he was just there. On the sunday morning last week i woke up and felt like the town school  bus, where everyone gets a ride. Now that i've gone through two of his closest friends, i'm back on trying to make something work with the original guy. It was always him. Before i hooked up with friend #1, i was so hesitant because i was worried that if somehting ever changed with oginal guy, how could he ever see me the same way. At the same time i didn't want to be the pathetic girl who waited around for him, who got kicked to curb and pulled back in, and put up with it. I haven't gotten pulled back in, but i'm trying to.

A few months ago, my friend (jokingly?) threw out the rhetorical question that maybe i was asexual. Not knowing this was an actual thing, or what it even was, i had to look into it. Basically it's not having a sexual attraction to anyone. At 22 years  old, i can probably count easily on my fingers the number of crushes i've had. Zero boyfriends. I rarely find myself attracted to anyone. But sometimes i do. In the past it was anyone who paid me attention. No, it still is. I don't think it would solve anything, identifying myself like that. I don't even know if i am that. I don't want to box myself into this label because i'm feeling sorry for myself and haven't had a crush in a while. What would it solve if i was.But now i've gotten it so up in my head, that it's all i can think about. I've never had an orgasm. I never thought it was that weird until about a year ago, when my friend was so shocked and full of disbelief that she offered to help. I haven't had sex with someone i actually cared about ever. The pas two times i'v done it, i've found myself bored and waiting for it to be over. Do i not enjoy sex, or do i not enjoy the people i'm having it with.